It’s Over .
I don’t know how many times I’ve said it but seriously this time. Everything is officially over. I don’t even know what to say, it’s like I’ve been walking forward with tunnel vision for the past two years and just turned around to see everything I did. After looking back at it all I’m just appalled. I’m so disappointed with myself. I don’t even know where my motives got all mucked. There was one point where I was so spiritually connected with God, that I wanted a relationship that would help spread his ministry. Though, somewhere along the road I changed instead of serving God I chose to idolize her. This wasn’t even the first time I’ve struggled with this, and this is hands down my biggest struggle and I have to just lay it out. I don’t even want to look at myself because I’m just so full of self-hatred. I feel like I’m crawling back to God right now, I feel unworthy. I feel like straight up scum. I don’t even care how emotionally depressing or how overly dramatic I sound because I feel terrible. The worst part is that we both knew it wasn’t going to work out, we were just to insecure to admit it and didn’t want to hurt each other. Earlier today she asked me what my biggest regret was, but now I wish I could change my answer.
My biggest regret is falling away from God and finding solace in idolizing of this girl. There is good news about this though, and in a way this was a blessing. This is my chance to rehabilitate myself. This is the boost I needed to give me the motivation to search for God in my life again. After I’ve fallen away for so long, this is where I start over. I want to desire and relive the days where my idol was God. What happened today was such a rough slap in the face, but it’s exactly what I needed.
Time to start over.